W is for Will

John Tenniel`s original (1865) illustration fo...

John Tenniel`s original (1865) illustration for Lewis Carroll`s "Alice in Wonderland". Alice sitting between Gryphon and Mock turtle (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

Lewis Carroll, “The Mock Turtle’s Song” from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

When I’m depressed, I’m more likely to feel that I don’t have any choices in life; I’m stuck here, and it sucks to be me.

Today is not a day of depression. (It’s not quite a mania, but it’s close.) I feel like I have many choices, and I do. If nothing else, I am choosing to believe that. It’s an act of the will.

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A to Z April Challenge 2013I’m participating in the Blogging from A-to-Z April Challenge! Read about it here.

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V is for Very

More than "just!"I live a “very” kind of life. There’s just not a lot going on that I can say qualifies as “meh.”

I’m either very depressed (almost suicidal) or very happy (euphoric). I look either very blechy (I don’t have bad hair days, I have dreadful hair days) or very hott (with two Ts). I either feel very belligerent or very magnanimous.

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U is for Unashamed

UnashamedI am naked. So are you.

Most of the time, we’re in a desperate struggle to hide our truth from everyone else. Even the ones we love. We cringe and utter silent thought-prayers, hoping no one will notice the flaws that are painfully obvious to us.

  • Fat
  • Awkward
  • Saggy
  • Dumb
  • Ugly
  • Paunchy
  • Greasy
  • Smelly

And that doesn’t even scratch the surface.

We laugh about our inner flaws, because we’re terrified we’ll be judged. (Or maybe we’re just terrified.)

Ha! We laugh.

  • “Love that chocolate! Nom, nom, nom.” [Can’t shake the weight. Why bother anymore?"]
  • Starbucks is my church.” [Coffee is my God.]
  • “Those Downton Abbey maids work so hard. How is that fair?” [I don’t tip waitresses. They need to get a real job.]
  • “Making love by candlelight is so sexy.” [You can’t tell I’m imagining it’s someone else.]

Why are we hiding? Why aren’t we unashamed?

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T is for Thinking

The Secret Garden

The Secret Garden (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Things I’m thinking of:

  • Whether I’m more of a help or a hindrance to my daughter in her last two weeks of school
  • Whether getting back on medication will enable me to continue my education
  • What I’m going to do in the next several months
  • What I’d like to plant for flowers and other gardening
  • How long it’s going to take me to weed through my bookshelves and boxes of books and how much I can get rid of
  • What the possibilities are for summertime activities, given budgetary constraints

 

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A to Z April Challenge 2013I’m participating in the Blogging from A-to-Z April Challenge! Read about it here.

S is for Something

Plain brownies, 9 May 2010.

Plain brownies, 9 May 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Excitement is often found in the most unexpected places. (Is that what makes it exciting?)

I baked brownies today. From a mix. This, gentle reader, is a major accomplishment for me.

Yes, if you know me well, you’ll know that at one time I was a professional baker, so using a mix (or admitting it) is akin to being the gastronomical equivalent of Milli Vanilli. But, you know, the depression.

Excuse me, but the milk I’ve poured is getting warm.

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R is for Ridiculous

Vintage Corset PhotoJust. Hanging. On. Really, that’s what it’s coming down to.

I feel like I’m in some kind of weird limbo until I get better. Til I get meds. Til the meds kick in. I’m seeing everything through a lens that is labeled, “I’m too depressed.” Every person, every encounter, every opportunity is weighed against a suffocating tide of, “Too depressed.”

Run across a motivational quote. Think, “Clearly, that person has never been depressed.” Listen to a TED talk. Think, “I could do that, if I wasn’t so damn depressed.”

I’m not baking and barely cooking. I am washing my hair, though, so there’s a sense of accomplishment. (That is the kind of thing that becomes a real accomplishment when you’re depressed. Washing your hair and maintaining the vaguest grasp on personal hygiene. Can I get a gold star for that?)

It’s been, maybe, four days (really? that long?) since I’ve been overwhelmed by the “cutting my hands off” thoughts. I have no control over that. So, feeling thankful. I have gotten dressed and walked several blocks both yesterday and today. Gratitude. I’ve done laundry. Yes. Yes, I have. Two loads. (Thank you, I hear that applause.)

I’ve sort of kept up with the A-Z challenge. It’s been a struggle. I’ve mostly been on Twitter. Somehow, only having to work in 140 characters seems more attainable. Manageable. Just barely. We’ll see how it goes.

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Q is for Quibbling Quotient

I think this the time when I usually throw in the towel, which is also known as quitting. But I don’t want to. I want to finish this challenge, even if I’m a couple of days behind. It’s really important to me now to be able to finish something.

Let’s hope for the best, shall we?

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