Just pretending

Just freaking out.I am a fake. I’m pretending to be normal, and if they find out, something bad will happen.

*****

This is the current mental conversation:

I can’t deal with this. Don’t say “can’t.” You can deal with this. You’re right. I can deal with this. [Five seconds pass.] I can’t deal with this. Yes, you can deal with this. This is nothing new. Life is hard. Life can be a challenge. Life is a challenge and if it’s not, you’re doing something wrong. It’s normal for life to be challenging. Okay? Okay. [Five seconds pass.] I can’t handle this. I just can’t. Yes, this is the part where you remember the Bible verses. “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.”1 “Greater is He Who is in me than he who is in the world.”2 Yes, those things are true. Faith is not a feeling. I am an overcomer. [Five seconds pass.] I can’t deal with this…

I think you get the picture.

*****

I sent a friend the following in an email earlier:

I’m not doing well. I feel like I’m going to be sick. All this stress is freaking me out. I want to cry and hide under the covers. I need…oh…I don’t know what I need. The last time I had an issue with a doctor and meds was when I ended up going off them–for three years. I know I’m being irrational and stupid. I know I’m acting like a baby, and I’m afraid that if I’m honest with them they’ll say something is really wrong with me and mess with my meds and then I’ll be fucked. Maybe something IS wrong with me. I’m being ridiculously paranoid about this. I’m sorry. Oh my God. I shouldn’t even send this to you. You’ll probably think I’m crazy, too. How much longer can I go on like this? Pretending to be normal?

This is the kind of thing going through my mind. I feel like I’m being tortured. Over and over. Freak out. Talk myself back from the ledge. Wind up again until I freak out. Talk myself back from the ledge. Repeat ad nauseum.

I know you think I’m doing well, that I’m being brave. I don’t feel well, or brave. I’m terrified. I am about *this* close to wrapping myself up in a blanket and hiding in my clothes closet. I don’t know what to do.

I have no idea how I’m going to get through this, but I have to. I have to. I have to. I can deal with this. I can’t deal with this. I can deal with this.

*****

I need Gandalf. I need a kindly, but fiercely protective savior who will pound down a staff in front of the balrog of my fears and say, “You. Shall. Not. Pass.” Because I’m having a really hard time here. Fortunately, I do have a Savior.

*****

Scripture References:

1 Philippians 4:13
2 1 John 4:4

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7 thoughts on “Just pretending

  1. Thank you for putting yourself out there. You’ll get through this. I’ll get through this. We’re women. That’s what we do. I made peach cobbler tonight. I hope it helps.

  2. I stopped pretending in my blog yesterday. I read a post on one of my groups that sounded just like the me inside. Now I am writing the story to try to glean the strong truths from it. It is kind of like a lament in the Psalms. Maybe I am finally at the first step of really getting honest with God about what I am feeling. The next step seems easy — it is looking at what is gong on and honestly letting God know what I want from it. I am hoping that when I lay out all the pieces I will know what that is. The writing is also the third step, the remembering what it is that makes me feel I can believe in this God I am crying out to. The fourth will come if I let it — not necessarily praise right now but a knowing that praise will come. I am hanging on to faith because it is all I really have to hand on to. Sorry if that is too wordy but you struck so close to home for my feelings as well.

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