Shut up!

Shut Your Beak

I’m not her any more. I’m not.

I used to be her…

the one who blogged about being in a tar pit;
the one who wrote about how I was mad at God;
the one who got angry at my messy, sad excuse for a life;
the one who questioned if anyone was reading what I wrote,  let alone actually cared about it…or her;
the one who did a little of this and did a little of that and wrote when she felt like it;
the one who mostly ranted that she wasn’t getting her own way.

But I’m not her any more. I’m me. Oh, she is still in there somewhere, yammering from a mental trunk that  “This isn’t funny any more!” as she cries to be let back out.

But I’m driving the car now and I’m just going to keep her in there until she passes out from the lack of oxygen.

I’m not feeding her any more.
I’m not listening to her any more.
I’m not living with her any more.
I’m killing her off.

Why?

I’m not like that any more.

I’m no longer satisfied with the depressed life.
I’m no longer satisfied with the sad excuses, the lame, lackluster-ness.
I’m not letting her back out and she can’t make me. She can’t make me. She can’t make me.

I’m quitting that. All that.

That kind of melancholy.
That depression drama where a hangnail is enough to unhinge me.
That unrelenting gloom where even Wednesday Addams might be looking for the nearest exit.

I am unashamed of my past, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let her run my present or my future.

So, sad lady in the trunk, whining that you’re feeling a bit faint from dehydration and begging me to please not drive so fast because you’re hitting your head and it hurts so bad.

Shut the fuck up.

I’ve had enough of you.

I’m going to be happy now.

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8 thoughts on “Shut up!

  1. You have found that all elusive key that unlocks the door you choose to open and enter your self into a new world, of your making.
    That key so few find and so few pursue took me 14 years and in the end, it located me. Passing through that door though was for lack of
    a good analogy, like mentally giving birth to yourself. painful, but so wonderful and such a relief to find the other side.
    I’m happy you have found it 🙂

  2. As someone who has followed your blog for a relatively short time, but who has taken the time to read back through many of your old articles, I could not be happier for you after reading today’s entry. You have obviously come so far. You have obviously taken control of your life. You have obviously put some old demons to rest. You have obviously positioned your present and your future for success. You have a huge fan club or people wishing you nothing but the best today, partly because they know what you’ve been through, and partly because they know you deserve it. This is your moment. This is your time. God Speed. And keep writing.

    • Thank you so much. It’s taken a long time, and maybe, that’s what makes it sweeter. I’m not saying I’ve totally arrived, but I think I’ve come a long way. The fan club/prayer partners/good friends who stop by don’t hurt one bit.

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