I’m afraid to dream. I am.
This week’s assignment (being shared here) was:
Link-up your blog post sharing: What do you really want more of in your life? Will you dare to say it out loud? Hint: it probably means having less of something too {ex: more joy, less stress}.
So, for me, it’s pretty basic. I want more confidence that pursuing ANYTHING in the way of a future will not be constantly derailed by depression, OCD or ADHD.
Up to this point in my entire life, every single dream (Dreams? Let’s just ratchet that down to a vague idea.) I’ve ever entertained for more than a month has been yanked off the tracks by the mental illnesses I struggle with. (I’m not even getting treatment right now—not my choice–so that’s not helping.) I can’t bring myself to believe that all God wants for me is to make it through my days without killing myself. Puh-leeze…
I’m taking baby steps right now, just to fight the unrelenting numbness. It helps. This month, it’s getting out of bed every single day, without fail. (If you suffer from depression, or know anyone who does, you’ll realize how much of an accomplishment this is.) I’m helping my daughter with her homework. I’m trying to clean the house and keep up. I’m taking my prescriptions to fight the anemia and the high blood pressure.
I’m reading Holley’s book, You Are Made for a God-Sized Dream. It’s a great book—really, it is. I just have a hard time believing that I, too, can have a God-sized dream. I’ve already learned one super encouraging thing: that a God-sized dream isn’t necessarily a huge, Mother Teresa-like, documentary-movie-worthy dream you’re going to hear about on the news, or from the pulpit at church. Thank God, really, because that probably isn’t going to happen. Holley writes,
I believe everyone has God-sized dreams. It’s not about how big or small they are, because [God] creates each one to perfectly fit the size of your heart.
How hopeful is that? Pretty hopeful, if you ask me. So, I just keep plugging away. I just keep asking, “Okay, God, where are we going with this? What do You have for me? I know You have something for me, I do.”
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I feel like a fake, but I’m linking up with Holley Gerth and other ladies pursuing God-sized dreams at her blog here.
After the Ecstasy, the Laundry . . . 
I love the definition of “God-sized” dreams. It reminds me of the saying that we are given only those burdens that God knows that we can bear.
C-
Thank you for your sweet and honest post. You, you MY friend who stopped by my blog through being a fellow God Sized Dreamer…you, are where I was in 2010-2011. I, too, have suffered from severe anxiety and depression. I know the getting out of bed battle, being a mom, and wanting God to “fix me” A.S.A.P. I knew God was praying via the Holy Spirit for me even when I couldn’t pray myself. All I can say, is hang in there…LIVE, read the Bible EVERY day, and start counting God’s blessings. Old posts of mine may lead you into knowing…I am with you on this: http://graceglimmers.wordpress.com/2013/02/04/garden-of-our-mind/, http://graceglimmers.wordpress.com/2013/01/31/fight/, http://graceglimmers.wordpress.com/2013/01/08/my-god-sized-dream-for-2013/ The final link is more on my story. You have your own…continue to write it…knowing there are always brighter days, and God is dreaming big for you…time my friend…keep working on it…grace and peace to you on this Sabbath day! <3, Jennifer