Kill Them All

They Look Like UsHow’s that for an alarming title? Hmmm… I know it’s making you wonder, “Crap, has she really gone off the deep end this time?”

Nah… Hear me  out.

Legend has it that during the religious war that resulted in the extermination of the Cathar “heresy” in the south of France at Carcassonne  and Béziers in the 11th century one of the generals came to the man in charge of this “purge” and asked, in essence, “These people all look like us, how will we know who’s the enemy?”

The man in charge, one Simon de Montfort, was reputed to reply, “Kill them all, and let God sort them out afterwards.”

So that’s what I’m doing.

I’m killing expectations.

Expectations that it’s just wrong for me to be pure and pious and steamy and sexy—all at the same time. Because I am. (Get over it.) Expectations that it’s just wrong for me to say I love housework, and then not do any…all day. (Because some days are like that.) Expectations that I should be happy loving one man all my life and he should be so fulfilling that I needn’t look elsewhere for anything. (What, and give up roller skating?)

So I say, “Kill them all.” Kill all the expectations that other people have of me. Kill all the ideas, outmoded or otherwise, that say that I’m supposed to be like someone else you met once, who was just so great.

I’m great. I am.

So, I say, “Kill them all.” Kill all the crazy ideas that I myself have of reconciling all the diverging streams of thought that I have meandering through me and had (apparently vain) hopes of merging into some mighty Mississippi of rational thought.

Who cares?

Yes, yes, yes. Life would be a lot easier if I could just be one, or the other. Maybe it would be easier. I don’t know. I do know that stuffing parts of myself down into a dustbin labeled “Unacceptable Bits People Don’t Understand” is, for me, something that I’ve been trying to do for over forty years and I’m just doggone sick of it.

So I say, “Kill them all, and let God sort me out afterwards.” Because He will. He’s bigger than my expectations.

10 thoughts on “Kill Them All

  1. wait…I was taught that that quote was from the 4th crusade. Please don’t make me look it up. I, personally, loved studying the Cathars and it’s nice to hear someone else that knows who they were.
    As far a the crux of your message, I love it. It’s sort of what I was writing about too–the fear of judgement so strong that you stop being able to really learn from the people around you. I’m done. The thing that people love about me is my big personality, my don’t give a damn attitude, and ironically those are the things that I struggle with the most. Be you, and be good to you.

    • Yes, it was a crusade, no, just not the fourth one!

      I’ve always found the Cathars interesting. When I got the chance, many years ago when Sophia was a tiny baby, to help a Marquette student with his doctoral dissertation on the Cathars by doing some research on them in French, I jumped. Very interesting. Very odd.

      • funny…I think we studied both in the same class (hence my confusion). See, I exemplify what you want out of a history major because I know stuff happened but most of all, I know where to find the correct information when my crap memory lets me down!

  2. When I saw the title I thought that it was box elder bug time at your house…or maybe those pseudo ladybugs. Should have known you would blog about bigger things.

  3. It’s me again- forgot to say that I really like the new picture at the top of the blog. It’s a whole different take on laundry day- good for you!

  4. You tell us plenty about what you don’t want “other people” to do … “don’t judge me because I’m pure, pious, AND steamy and sexy; love housework AND don’t do housework; monogamous AND longing”. So, from what perspective do you want others to view you? I think this flaw illustrates the fact that I think you have it all wrong! You want to celebrate these apparent contradictions in your behavior and character, not ask others to ignore them! I recall the great scene in Good Will Hunting in which Robin Williams’ character (Sean) describes his late wife to Matt Damon’s character (Will):

    “Sean: Maybe you’re perfect right now. Maybe you don’t wanna ruin that. I think that’s a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody…My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies. You know what? She used to fart in her sleep. [they laugh] Sorry I shared that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and gone like “oh was that you?” I’d say yeah…I didn’t have the heart to tell her…[cracks up] Oh God…

    Will: [laughing hysterically] She woke herself up?

    Sean: [in hysterics himself] Yes!…. Oh Christ….aahhh, but, Will, she’s been dead two years and that’s the shit I remember. [Will stops laughing] Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That’s what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too; she knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not — aw that’s the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. You’re not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal. That’s what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you’re findin’ out that one is by givin’ it a shot. You certainly won’t learn from an old fucker like me. Even if I did know, I wouldn’t tell a pissant like you.”

    Thanks to Wikiquote for the excerpt.

    • Of course, D.J., you’ve hit the nail on the head!

      What I don’t want to do is give up any part of who I am. What I do want to do is to finally (hopefully?) silence the critics who can’t make sense of me by telling them to quit trying. However, one of my biggest critics remains myself.

  5. Wow! I found your blog at the Unveiled Wife community, and it was your frankness that drew me. While my blog has a decidedly Christian perspective…I so love what you wrote there, and in this post, “Expectations that it’s just wrong for me to be pure and pious and steamy and sexy—all at the same time. Because I am. (Get over it.)” that I wish I’d thought it up first. You’ve got me. you get me. I can’t wait to read more. And, interesting, I wrote yesterday about my best friend and her frustration with unmet expectations….and I actually subtitled it “sniff and pee.” Say hello to your newest follower.
    Peace and good to you.

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